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Chapter 15
New York was warm, unlike London, Anne had never been so glad to be back in her apartment, although she would rather be back in her home in Michigan. The plan was she and Emily would fly home Monday the thirteenth and attend the Backstreet Boys show that night at the Breslin Center about twenty minutes from where each lived. But it was not meant to be. When Anne got into her bed in her apartment, for a quick nap, she went right to sleep, she curled up into a little ball in her bed, with her electric blanket turned up high, and she was still cold. She did not wake up until the second time Emily rang her doorbell that night.
"Annie, are you okay? You look like hell," Emily said.
"Nice to see you too, Emily."
"Oh man, you have a fever, you should get some rest."
"I was."
"Oh, oops. Look, Annie, you're sick, there's no way you should fly tomorrow morning."
"No way, I'm not missing this chance to see Howie," Anne insisted, while reaching for something, anything to steady herself. She was so warn down from touring the slight case of flu hit her much harder than it should have. "I'm fine."
"Sure you are," Emily sarcastically replied. "You should stay here, you're sick."
"Maybe you're right," said Anne, who was feeling dizzy. "Why don't you take Mickey? He could help you get away from those psycho teenieboppers."
"That would be fun."
"Do me a favor. If I write Howie a letter would you get it to him for me?"
"Of course."
"God I wish I could see the look on his face when he saw me right down front. I wish I could have surprised him. I never told him."
"He would have died of shock."
"I bet," Anne said. She wrote Howie a lengthy letter, stating she missed him, and lamenting the fact that she could not be there to see him because she was sick. She told him she loved him, and closed the letter by saying she hoped to see him soon, before she headed back out on the road. "Okay Em, since I can't go, you need to tell me what went on, and I want details. Give this to one of the band members and have them give ti to Howie."
Emily and Mickey flew back to Michigan, and stayed at Emily's house which was close to the Breslin Center, where the concert was going to be held. They went to their seats early, just as Anne had said they were right down in front, in the center of one of the sides of the pentagonal stage. Emily saw Tommy Smith walking around on the stage, checking things out, she knew this was her best chance to get Anne's letter delivered to Howie. She and Mickey went closer to the metal gate that encircled the stage.
"Tom!" she called. "Tommy!" He did not react.
"Tommy!"Mickey bellowed, he turned around. Emily motioned for him to come over to them. He reluctantly came over.
"Tommy, could you please give this to Howie for me?" Emily politely asked.
"I'm sorry, but I cannot do that, all of us have stuff to do, we can't be messengers for the guys," Tommy politely replied.
"Please, it's from Rosie," Emily added. Tommy was a little skeptical, he took the letter and examined it. Anne had the foresight to write a message on the envelope. "To whichever band member this may concern: I'm sorry to ask you to do this, I know you have stuff to do, and are not the Boys' secretaries, but if you could please give this to Howie, I would greatly appreciate it. I would be here myself, but I am sick and stuck in New York, the two people accompanying this letter are my drummer, Mickey, and one of my back up singers, Emily. Thanks again, Rose Gray."
"Well it looks like Rosie's handwriting to me, I'll get this to Howie."
"Thank you," Mickey replied. Later the show started, when the guys came out, Howie nodded to Mickey and Emily, indicating he saw them. Emily loved the show, she had been a Backstreet Boys fan for quite a while, and Mickey just loved being around Emily, and he liked the pyrotechnics too, nothing impressed him more in a show than good use of pyrotechnics, the day after the concert they came back to New York. Angela moved back to Florida, she had a fresh round of auditions to go on, and had some good parts she was up for. Emily stayed on, she had applied for some teaching jobs in the city for the next fall but had not heard back anything yet, it would be a while. The rest of the band stayed on too, music was their day job.
After about four days of rest, a trip to the doctor, and some medicine, Anne was healthy again.
"Okay Emily, how was it?" Anne asked.
"It was amazing, I thought I was going to lose it, they flew right over my head."
"Pretty cool isn't it?"
"Yes. When they sang I'll Never Break Your Heart, I thought I was going to melt. I am not responsible for my actions when I am around that much testosterone in that attractive of packaging."
"Neither am I. So what color were their suits this time?" Anne asked, praying the pink suits had been put out of their misery.
"Grey. A.J. was wearing a tie, oh yeah, their 'body armor' was different too. At the end they had on State jerseys, your boy had on Cleaves' number." Since Anne and Emily were both from the Lansing area they both followed Michigan State basketball.
"Sweet, someone finally killed the pink suits and A.J. in a tie? Damn I can't believe I missed it. Thanks for getting Howie the note, he called me Monday night. God, I miss him. See any good signs?"
"Mostly the usual 'I love you Brian,' and things like that, but there was this one girl who had this hell of a big yellow sign that said 'I'm legal.' I laughed my ass off, but it made me feel old and not it a good way, I'm only twenty-three."
"If she thinks she's going to get any use out of that sign, she's at the wrong concert."
"I know, dammit, they're all taken."
"Sucks don't it?"
"Shut up, you got one of them. It's not fair that Kevin got engaged, he was my favorite, damn he looked good."
"Don't let Mickey hear you say that."
"I'm kidding, he knows I love him."
Everyone was preparing to kick off the U.S. leg. It was going to be hell. Jacob had arranged for Rose to do a 25/25 tour, twenty-five shows in twenty-five days. Ideally Jacob had wanted Rose to do a 50/50 tour but he knew there was no way he could get her to do it. The only input Anne had on this tour, which stayed east of the Mississippi, was where they could possibly kick off and end the tour, also who she would like as an opening act. This tour ended up kicking off and ending in Anne's two 'homes,' New York City, and East Lansing, Michigan, actually the last three dates were in Michigan. The tickets had gone on sale when she had been in Europe, the entire tour, where each venue had about seven to ten thousand seats sold out in about two weeks. At each of the Michigan dates she had about a dozen tickets held back for family and friends.
Jacob came to check up with Anne before she kicked off. He was in a foul mood, they had another fight. "What the hell Rose? You turned them down, and without even asking me? It could have been great exposure for you."
"Yes, Jake, I turned them down. I'm not a Diva, maybe someday, but not now."
"You are an idiot, you are stupid, use your head. Dammit, Rose, you know you have to clear everything through me."
"Deal with it Jake. I'm no Diva, maybe someday, but not now." They continued their verbal fisticuffs, he called her names, and she screamed back at him, it eventually subsided with two frazzled tempers. Neither person cared for the other right now, Anne was annoyed at how possessive Jacob had become in the last six months, and Jacob was annoyed at how self absorbed he thought Anne had become, and he disliked Howie's influence. But in the end, each person realized their mutual dependance on the other.
Anne found her opening act, a nineteen year old British singer-songwriter named Skye, she reminded Anne a lot of herself, she supposed that is why she chose her. Skye seemed to mesh well with everyone else on the tour, and within a week she had become Tony's girlfriend.
New York was a great place to kick off, everyone, Anne, the band, the crew, and her new back up singer, Lucy Johnson, were all local. They could all sleep in their own beds after the first show on the fifteenth, before they all killed themselves on the road and slept on tour busses for a month. After New York was Albany, then Concord, and Boston. After the second night Anne remembered why she hated sleeping on tour busses so much. "Note to self:" she groggily whispered to herself after being jarred awake in the early morning. "Make Andy get the shocks checked out." She rolled over and went back to sleep. After Boston, The Crossroads Tour headed south, they burned through Richmond, Raleigh, Charleston, and Atlanta. Florida came next, Jacksonville and Miami. After her brief stint in Florida, in which she did not see Howie, he was working in Los Angeles at the time. She played dates in Birmingham, Alabama, Jackson, Mississippi, and Louisville, Kentucky, where she happened to see Brian and Leighanne in the audience. It was a strange feeling to have one of the Backstreet guys sitting watching her perform. She was off to Baltimore next, then after playing Providence, she had two dates in Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, and Pittsburgh. They were in the home stretch now, Columbus, Cleveland, and the first Chicago show all went well.
During the tours a subtle change was happening in Anne, Emily was the only one to really pick up on it because she had known Anne the longest. Anne had always been lively and outgoing, but now, Anne, when she was Anne, had become much more introverted. Rose, had become much more brash and outgoing in the last month especially. It was almost like they were two different people, the moment Anne stepped onto the stage it was if the switch was flipped and she became Rose. Emily finally decided to talk to Anne about it.
"Annie, what's going on, you're getting real quite all of a sudden, and Rose is getting real edgy, this isn't like you."
"This is going to sound weird but I'm just letting Rose be Rose. Look, Anne is the girl from Michigan, not the star. Rose is the image that got created, she's the one they love, not Anne, Rose is a character I play, for the audience and the press, a mask. She's not scared of anything, tough as nails, Anne is overwhelmed by a lot of this, and got flaws, she's a private person. Rose is the public persona, she's perfect."
Emily felt a bit better with this explanation, but not really. She was worried where Rose might end up taking Anne, and hoped it would not be anywhere bad.
It was the night of the second show, Steve had come to the show the night before and surprised Anne with flowers, he was also surprised at how much thinner she looked, since he had seen her last. Everyone was done with sound check and then band went to get some dinner. Anne had her standard cup of tea, and left early. She made the excuse that she did not like to eat before she performed. Especially in the last week Mickey had become concerned with Anne.
"Hey guys, when is the last time you saw Rosie eat 'real food'?"
"I don't think I've seen her eat dinner with us once on this tour," Will said, but quickly added. "But I'm not around that much."
"She skips breakfast a lot on the bus," Lucy piped up.
"Well so do you," Emily said defensively.
"She's been dropping weight ever since we started this leg," Mickey commented. Emily looked somber, he gave her a confused look.
"Never mind," she quietly said.
Mickey went to find Anne. "Rosie?" he said as he knocked on her dressing room door. There was no answer, he quietly walked in. He was on his way out, when something white in Anne's open make up case caught his eye. "What the hell?" he wondered as he picked up two pill bottles. "Caffeine pills? Sleeping pills? Dammit Rosie, what the hell are you doing to yourself?" He carefully replaced the bottles and left the room. That night he was very distant from Anne, and she did know why. The next night in Detroit some more light would be shed on the dark cloud that had descended on The Crossroads Tour.
The cold Michigan air had invaded the State Theatre, Detroit seemed unseasonably cold. Anne was almost home, only two more shows remained. Mickey walked by Anne's dressing room and saw her take out one of the bottles and take a few pills. Enraged he stormed in and grabbed the pill bottle out of her hand.
"What the hell is this, huh?" He threw the bottle down, when it hit the floor the pills scattered. Anne tried to walk out of the room to get away from Mickey. He stepped in her way.
"Mickey get out of my way."
"Not until you tell me what's going on." She tried to push past him, he picked her up and carried her over his shoulder and carried her all the way down the hall kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs.
"Let me go! Dammit Mickey, put me down!"
"If you insist," and he dropped her on the ground.
"Ow! What the hell was that for?"
"What the hell is wrong with you? Mickey screamed at Anne.
"What's going on?" Emily asked. The band began to gather with the commotion.
"Nothing guys, Mickey has just lost his mind, that's all."
"Right Rosie. I saw you had pills, what the hell are you doing with pills?"
"I was just going to take them for a little pick me up, I was tired."
"Yeah, right, you're tired because you haven't eaten for two weeks, you're running on empty. Look first it's caffeine pills to get you going, then it's sleeping pills to go to sleep. Don't get messed up with that stuff, get rid of it."
"But Mickey..."
"Dammit Rosie, this stuff is dangerous, I've seen it. God, Cathy, you're so stupid sometimes. Cathy, why did you have to get messed up with this stuff again, huh? Rosie, what were you thinking?" Mickey, crushed, stormed off.
"Rosie, did he just call you Cathy?" Tony asked.
"Yes, let it go. I think he's wanted to say that for a long time."
Anne went back to her dressing room and waited for the show to start, the caffeine kicked it, she was ready to go. Emily went to go find Mickey, she silently crept up behind him.
"Call Dorough," Mickey said.
"What?" Emily asked.
"Call Dorough, please. Would you call him for me?"
"Sure, anything."
"Make sure you get a hold of him, no matter what. Tell him I need to speak to him." Emily called Howie, after playing phone tag with his publicist she was finally able to locate him in New York on his cell phone. It was almost show time, Mickey would have to talk to him after the show.
"Mickey, what is it? Emily said it was urgent." Howie implored, when he finally talked to Mickey after the show.
"Dorough, it's Rosie, she's in bad shape."
"What happened? Is she hurt?"
"You could say that. I know Jake said something, he messed with her head."
"I don't understand."
"Dorough-Howie, she hasn't been eating, and I found her with pills. Look, my life is an open book, I'm sure you know all about Cathy by now?"
"Yes."
"Howie, I see Rosie heading down that same path. I can't get through to her, but maybe you can. She needs you, could you please come out and see her? I would never ask you to do this, I know how busy you are, but please, this is important, I don't know who else to turn to."
"Of course," Howie said. He hated Jacob more than anything right now. He just wanted to hit Jacob for what he had done to Anne, but violence was not in his nature, but he was sure Mickey would gladly do it for him. The next morning he took a red-eye flight to Grand Rapids, Michigan, where Rose's show would be playing that night. He walked into the Van Andell Arena, carrying a bouquet of lilies, Jimmy who had taken over as head of Rose's security stopped him to say hello. Howie asked Jimmy to let Mickey know he was there. He snuck up behind Anne and covered her eyes with his hands.
"Hi sweetie," he whispered into her ear, Anne turned around sharply.
"Oh my God, Howie, what are you doing here?"
"What do you think? I came to see you."
"Well I'm glad you did, I missed you. Are you staying for the show?" she asked, smelling the flowers he had given her. "How did you know I loved lilies?"
"I have my sources. I thought I might stick around tomorrow too, you could put me to work or something."
"Oh don't be silly," Anne said. "You're my guest."
Howie saw Mickey walk by Anne's dressing room, where they were talking. "I'll be right back."
"Dorough, you made it."
"Thanks for letting me know."
"It was no problem."
"What? You asked him to come out here?" Anne asked from the doorway of her dressing room, she had overheard every word.
"Yes, Rosie, I..."
"Mickey how could you?"
"I just thought since..."
"No, you didn't think. You don't think I can take care of myself, I can't handle Jake, is that it?"
"No, Rose, that's not it at all." Anne who was tearing up walked back into her dressing room and slammed the door.
"What did he say to her?" Howie asked.
"I don't know, but I do know something is wrong. None of us have seen her eat real food in two weeks. Yesterday when I saw her take those pills, I freaked. I don't want to lose her like I lost Cathy. Thank you for doing this, she really needs you. She loves you." Mickey left, he still had to do sound check on his drums. Howie knocked on Anne's door.
"Go away."
"Baby, it's me, can I come in?"
"I don't want to talk to you right now." Howie came in anyway. He saw Anne slumped in her chair, tears had left red streaks down her cheeks.
"Leave me alone."
"No, I see you're hurting and I want to help you."
"I'm not in any pain, I'm fine."
"No, you're not. You haven't been eating, Mickey told me everything. What did Jacob say to you? It must have been bad, I've never seen you like this."
"It's nothing."
"Like hell it's not. He treats you like garbage, you don't deserve that, you aren't his puppet. I love you and want to help you."
"How could you love someone like me? I've got more baggage than anyone in this building."
"Somehow I doubt that. Look, Annie, I don't need lifetime guarantees."
"That's from Rent," observed Anne, with a sad smile.
"Every word of it is true. I just want to make you happy."
"How did I get mixed up in something like this?"
"You invest everything you have into your work, and you didn't think it was enough so thought doing this could make you give more. It does, but at what cost? Annie, you have to get out, if for nothing else for your health. You can't keep running yourself ragged like this, it is taking it toll."
"But I still can't get away from Jake, I need him. And even if I could, where could I go?"
"We'll figure something out. We always do."
Rose went on stage that night, Howie watched her from the first row. Anne was excited, most of her family was at this show. Everyone involved with the show was exhausted by this point, Anne was ready to drop, she was running on adrenaline mixed with caffeine, she had continued to take the pills. She started eating again, but only a little, and continued to lose weight. Everybody that knew what was going on was concerned about her, especially Howie and Mickey.
When the show started Howie smiled at Anne, she had energy, but under that false persona he could tell she was weak. He thought the light in her eyes looked false, she looked frail and too thin, a shadow of the woman he had grown to love, still he loved to watch her sing, he had never seen her from the audience before. He loved her show, she could captivate the audience as she held out a single note for what seemed like an eternity, showing off her impressive opera breath control, the crowd would hold their breath wondering when she would move on. Howie was mesmerized, he sang along with the songs he knew, the songs that made him love her, also he heard new songs he knew off of Crossroads, but had never he had never heard them preformed live. While Rose's five dancers did many routines throughout the show, Rose never danced. She did always did move when she sang, but she never did a choreographed routine that is, until the finale, Stars. She was wearing a red dress, it slightly resembled the one from the video, but a bit more revealing, although it looked classy while she sang. It had a high-necked halter style top, and the skirt had a long slit up the right side. She stood in front of an old fashioned microphone at the front of the stage. Rose sang the beginning of the Stars all alone in a white spotlight on the completely dark stage. Will, on the piano, could be heard above all the other instruments that played subtly in the background. After the final verse the five dancers joined Rose on stage, and they danced the tango from the video. The song always had a bit of a latin feel, with the way the guitar part was set up, since the premier of the video, however, they emphasized this detail. The two female dancers wore black dresses identical to Rose's, and the three male dancers all wore three piece black suits.
The tango routine was similar to the one from the video, although it had been expanded upon. Mitchell had added more kicks and two more big drops to make it more dramatic. It was not until they did a particular move that Howie disliked the dance routine. The girls did a very high kick, with their right leg, and their male counterparts would catch it and then go into a dip. It was not so much the move, it was the fact that the slit in the dress was on the right side, he and the rest of the audience saw a lot of Rose's leg. He got a little jealous, he was not thrilled to see his girlfriend dancing like that.
After the show he went backstage and Jimmy let him in, they had always gotten along. Jimmy had never told Howie why Sean had been fired, but he did mention that he had gotten a job with 'that other band.'
"Baby, you were great," Howie said. You sparkled out there. I loved the whole thing. That was some pretty interesting choreography for Stars. And I love the dress."
"You don't like the dress?"
"No, it's not that, it's just with the choreography it was well, interesting."
"Okay wait, I do two mildly racy moves and you have issues? You have some pretty creative choreography of your own."
"But..."
"What about that whole routine for Larger Than Life, there was some pretty interesting stuff in there. Or what about the ladders, don't you think I didn't see some of the stuff you were doing up there. And don't even make me bring up the 'naughty sex songs'."
"The what?" Howie asked through laughter.
"If You Want It To Be Good Girl..., or what about Boys Will Be Boys."
"Oh come on, those weren't just about sex."
"Then what were they about, smart man?"
"Um-uh-okay, maybe they were about sex. I get it, I'll stop." Howie did drop the issue when he talked to Anne, but it still bothered him, later that night he brought it up with Mickey. "Annie and Dave seemed to be getting a little too into Stars tonight, don't you think?"
"Rosie and Dave? Oh please, Dorough, there is nothing going on there, trust me. Look, A, it's just acting, you of all people should know a thing or two about that. B, she loves you. C, Dave has a major thing for Bridget. D, it's just acting, Howie. You don't have a thing to worry about from Rosie."
"Thanks Mickey, I feel better." After the show everyone hightailed it to Lansing, and crashed at the hotel, Anne and Howie crashed at her house, and Emily and Mickey at hers.
The final show was in Anne's 'hometown' of East Lansing. She packed the Breslin Center, as she had done at all the other venues, at the three Michigan shows she had sold over eleven-thousand tickets a piece. Howie sat in his 'ususal spot' right down front. Being here was very surreal for him, just one month before, to the day, he and the rest of the guys had played a sold out show here, the one Emily and Mickey had attended. The show was a smash, she came out and did a second encore.
The release she felt as the light dimmed on the stage was wonderful. Howie had already left his seat after the first encore and was probably waiting for her backstage as the lights faded. Again she was herself, Anne, no longer Rose, it proved too much for her. She had avoided eating anything that day, and in the past two weeks she had lost an additional nine pounds. Ever since the start of this leg she had been losing weight, she was down to 105, she skin looked stretched over her strongly built frame. Anne felt dizzy, she gripped the handrail as she descended the wire staircase from the elevated stage. Howie was waiting at the bottom to meet her. The noises of the stage being broken down echoed in her head, her knees felt weak. On the last step they gave out, Anne unconsciously let go of the handrail. Howie caught her and gently laid her on the ground.
"Mickey," he called. "Mickey, come here quick." Mickey came running the second he saw Anne on the ground. He was followed by several band members and some crew.
"What happened?" Mickey asked.
"She was coming down the stairs and just passed out."
Mickey who saw the crowd growing and spoke up. "Let's get her out of here." Howie picked up Anne, who was still out, and put her down on the couch in her dressing room. She slowly woke up.
"What happened?" Anne asked, and sat up sharply, Howie grabbed her hand.
"Baby you blacked out." Anne got up and made a move for the door, Howie put a hand on her shoulder and gently stopped her. "Annie, we need to talk."
"Rosie, sit." Mickey said. Anne reluctantly sat on the couch.
"Annie, baby, something is wrong, you haven't been eating."
"Rosie, you have a problem."
"I do not,"Anne shot back, defensively. "I'm fine."
"Annie, you're not, you fainted. That doesn't sound like fine to me."
"Rosie, you've been starving yourself, what are you doing? What the hell for? God, you are a fucking skeleton."
"Annie, don't you see how beautiful you are? You're thin, you don't need to lose any more weight."
"You need to get your head screwed back on, that's what you need to do."
"Sweetie, you're done now, just take a break for a while. You need to rest."
"You need to be locked in a hospital for head cases for a week, maybe then you would see what you're doing to yourself. Do you want to die?"
"A hospital!" Anne exclaimed. "Hell no, I hate hospitals, I watched my friend die in a hospital."
"Maybe he's right. One day, two tops. You could get some rest, you know you need it, no one would bother you."
"No way, no hospitals, besides I have the No Doubt show I'm going to in San Francisco in a few days." Anne stormed out.
"We tried," Howie said to Mickey. "You make a pretty good 'bad cop,' I just wish we could have gotten through to her."
"She'll come around, I hope. Somehow we have to make her see what she's doing to herself, if we don't who knows what may happen. I just feel bad because she's mad at you now, you don't deserve that, I'm sorry. You're an absolute prince to her, I'm not sure you realize how much what you do means to her. I'm just so mad at Foster, I know he had something to do with this. I just want to beat the living shit out of him right now." Mickey punched the wall with all his strength, blood slowly ran down his fingers from his split knuckles.
Later that night Emily also had a fight with Anne when she confronted her about her eating habits, Emily also talked to Howie.
"Howie, this isn't the first time she's done stuff like this," Emily confessed. "Anne's always had self image problems, she has been starving herself on and off since college, but nothing this severe."
"If you knew why didn't you do something?"
"Well it just seemed like before she'd lose a few pounds and then just snap out of it. The only problem is Howie, this isn't like the flu, you don't just wake up one morning and you're fine. It's all in the person's mind, they seem fine, but they're not. Some people never recover. I just wish I would have seen this coming sooner. What I want to know is what triggered it this time."
"I have a pretty good idea."
"Jacob?"
"Yep."
"I should have known. When we got back from Europe they had this huge fight, it was the worst one yet. All he did was scream at her, I think that is when she started losing weight." Howie wanted to hit a wall himself, now he was more worried about Anne than ever. Anne fainted again that night, Howie and Mickey checked the reluctant Anne into the local hospital. The ironic thing was this was the hospital where Anne was born, and some feared this might be the hospital where she might die if she did not change the path she was on. The hospital staff took good care of her.
"God, I wish I didn't have to leave in the morning," Howie told Mickey.
"Dorough, it's your job, we'll watch her. Just come back whenever you can."
Howie went to Anne's room to talk to her, and to say goodbye, he was needed in New York the next day. The Backstreet Boys had been invited to sing on Vh1's Men Strike Back, and Backstreet would not be the same without him.
"Hi, baby, I heard a story about you."
"What?" Anne asked, she was still mad she had to be there.
"When you were in Europe you beat the crap out of some poor Irish drunkard and broke three of his fingers."
"He wouldn't leave me alone, and it was only two."
"Three," Mickey yelled from the hallway.
Anne laughed a little. "See, that's the Annie I love," Howie said.
"Howie, I want out of here. I have too much to do, why can't I just 'rest' at home, it's close, besides I can't get out and exercise if I'm in here, I'll gain all that weight back."
"Do you still think you need to lose weight? You're so too skinny as it is. Come here, I want to show you something." He walked with Anne to the full length mirror behind the door. He closed it, so no one would hear them. "What do you see?"
Anne, who was in her pajamas, pulled up the front of her t-shirt so she could look at herself. "I see huge hips, and my stomach isn't flat, I'm not skinny. I've got huge arms and legs, and my butt is huge, I'm not beautiful, maybe if I was skinnier people would like me more."
"Annie, is that really what you think? God, you're wrong. You are beautiful, but not just outside, a lot of it is in here," Howie said pointing to her heart. "You are skinny, too skinny, I can't believe you don't see it. That's not fat on your arms, that's muscle, you're strong. Baby, I can count your ribs. Okay, I will admit you aren't one of those little waifs, but that's because you actually have bones. I like that you have bones, you're stronger than they'll ever be, I'm always afraid some of those girls will blow over in a strong wind. Do you know why Kate Moss was so skinny for all those years? She was hooked on drugs, all addicts are skinny. Annie, can't you see how worried I am about you?"
"You are?"
"I am so scared for you. Don't you get what could happen to you if you keep doing this?"
"No, I'm not sure what you mean."
"Anne, you could die. Don't you get it, D-I-E, die. Just like Cathy. I want to go to San Francisco with you, to keep an eye on you."
"Keep an eye on me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You are walking a very fine line. Please don't shut me out, I want to help you walk it."
"All right, you can come, but no more of this treating me like a little kid crap."
"You got it, Annie."
That afternoon when Howie left, he gave the hospital staff specific instructions, the only people allowed to check Anne out were Mickey or himself. She was going to get rest and food even if they had to make her. That first night Anne slept for nineteen hours straight, on the evening of her second day there, Anne convinced Mickey to let her out, she continued to rest at her house.
Howie came back the day after they shot Men Strike Back, and later he and Anne flew to San Francisco for the No Doubt show. Anne was ecstatic, she had wanted to see them perform ever since New Years. The plane left Lansing at a decent hour, but Anne was still tired. Part way through the flight she fell asleep against Howie's shoulder. He smiled, he tilted back both of their massive first class chairs a little farther and covered her up with a blanket. The plane hit a sudden patch of turbulence, Anne was jolted awake.
"No," she whispered, and then looked around and realized she had been dreaming.
"Sweetie, are you okay?"
"I was dreaming, that's all," Anne said, she quickly wiped away the tears that had welled up in the corners of her eyes.
"You're upset, what is it?"
"It was a nightmare, that's all."
"What happened?"
"I was standing there, in front of a mirror, Jake was there, looking at me. I was skinny, I mean really skinny, I looked like a skeleton, a zombie, it was gross. He said something like 'Well I suppose that will have to do. Now just sing what I want and I'll make you a star.' When I said no, I wanted to do what I wanted, he, he..." Anne trailed off, she did not want to think about what happened next, plus she was getting queasy thinking about the very graphic image she had seen of herself.
"Oh my God, that is a nightmare. I think you finally understand."
"What?"
"Don't you see, even your body knows Jake is bad for you. He's turning you into someone you don't want to be. Annie, you have to get out. I'm going with Mickey on this one, if you stay you may end up just like Cathy."
"You're right, what the hell am I doing? I've put of with his bull shit too long, I've got to get out. I'll tell you what, when I get back to New York I'll talk to my lawyer and see what I can do."
"Finally. Anne you don't know how relieved I am," Howie said and kissed her.
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