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Chapter 8
None of us talked for almost two minutes.
"Do you think of me when you're standing in the crowd?" Brian asked softly but unsure. I was more than shock. Brian looked into my eyes and waited for my answer. Everything seemed so baffled to me.
"I…" I omitted to answer him.
"Actually, I do think of you. Not only when I am in a crowd but also when I am happy, I hope to share it with you, when I am depressed, I hope you will hug me. You appear in my mind all the time. I don't know whether this is love. I tried to suppress this feeling but every time I'm with you, my unbridled feeling come back to me," he said in one shot.
How could he say that? Did he really mean what he said? I was happy but the fact was he didn't know that I was a girl. That was no way that he would fall for a person who he thought was a guy. I shuddered.
"Are you cold?" he asked as he took off his jacket. I tried to get up and walked away but he laid a detaining hand on my shoulder.
"You love Ryan?"
"No." He took my line face between his hands and looked deeply into my eyes. How could I resist his resplendent gazes?
"Love transcends boundaries," I whispered. He gently pulled my face closer and closer to his. One the next moment, his delicate lips touched mine. I closed my eyes and fell deep into his kisses. But suddenly, he backed out.
"No! Love doesn't transcend boundaries in my heart!" he shouted hysterically.
"Brian, I…" I choked.
"I'm not a gay and I don't want to be one. How could I? I love girls, not guys," he said with moisture in his eyes. I was stupefied by his changes in such a short time. Tears rolled down my hot cheeks.
"No man is worth your tears and the one that is won't make you cry," Brian said, "I made your tears to fall. I'm not your man. I'm sorry." As he finished his words, he turned and walked away. No! He was wrong. A girl always thought that it was worthwhile to do just anything for her love one. As long as he was happy, she would not care for her own feelings.
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I used work to get myself drunk. Only then that I could forget the pain. But the pain came back spasmodically. I had to get over it because I knew we would meet almost everyday. Both of us pretended nothing had happened. But I could still feel the gab between us. There was a wall between us not a bridge anymore.
Finally, he phoned me one day.
"We need a talk."
"Brian, I understand."
"Forgive me. I had never doubted my feelings for you but it was impossible…"
"I know. I've never thought that you're wrong."
"Don't wait the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without. I pray for you that the one you can't live without will come to you one day."
"Thanks. If I ever spared you a moment of sadness or a moment of joy, will you still treat me as your friend?"
"Sure. You're still my buddies. I'll be leaving on the day after tomorrow. The BSB tour this time will be a long one. Your own tour will also start in a few weeks time. Although we can't meet often, I'll still contact you guys to know whether everything is alright."
"Kay."
"Bye."
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He wouldn't know that he was the one that I can't live without. I locked myself in the room, watching "A Night Out with the Backstreetboys." Someone turned the doorknob. I knew it was Ryan.
"I thought I locked the door."
"I thought someone kept the key under the shelf."
"I need to be alone."
"No, you don't. You need someone to listen to you." I told him what happened.
"Silly girl, he loves you."
"He is suffering. And it hurts me to see him in such a dilemma."
"You really want to give up?"
"If you love someone, sets him free. He'll come back to you if he really loves you."
"Cry, my dear. Let out those unhappy things. You have my shoulders to lean on. Come."
"Ryan," I began to cry in his arms. He dried my tears.
"Hope reigns eternal in the heart of man. Now, Eriko, get up. We'll do some jogging." He took my hand and we began to jog around the room.
"Eriko, see Brian? He is standing in front of us!" He pointed at the television.
"Say 'hi' to him. Hi, Brian!" He acted as if Brian was really there.
"Hi, Brian. Hi, Brian!" I said repeatedly.
"That's good. Now, tell him that you love him."
"I love you, Brian. I really do."
"Now, run along. Go and tell him that you love him." Then, he whispered something in my ears. I nodded my head.
"Wait," Ryan said,
"How can he know that you are a girl with your pants on?" He took out a box and handed it to me.
"What's inside?" I opened it and inside it laid a white gown. I was so touched that I didn't know what to say. So, I hugged him.
"Thanks. It's beautiful."
"I bet that you'll look gorgeous in it."
I put on the gown and ran with all my might out of the house, passed the bakery, passed the lake garden and finally reached the doorsteps of Brian's house. I was panting heavily. I tried to inhale as many air as I could, wiped away my sweat. Then, I pushed the doorbell with my trembling hand. No one answered. Disappointed, I walked to the backyard. To my surprise, there lied Brian on the swing with his eyes half-closed. He didn't seem to have noticed me.
Then, I started to hum,
"Hold
me tight, don't ever let go.
Angel, Come Close To Me.
Let me know that you're true.
I want to change my tomorrow.
Angel makes my dreams come true."
Brian opened his eyes and turned to search for the voice.
"Sam?" I nodded slowly.
"But…" he got up slowly and walked closer to me as if to get a closer look. My eyes never left his. He seemed couldn't believe his own eyes. Dark half-moons carved beneath his eyes. He hadn't been sleeping well.
"Yes, Brian. It's me. I'm actually a girl." He inspected me from head to toe with his doubtful eyes.
"I'm really Sam that you love. You're not a gay because you love a girl. I must tell you this. I love you." He seemed to have recovered from the shock. Before I knew it, I was in his arms. For the first time in my live, I felt so secured.
"Ryan told me that there's no future in any love. The future lies in the man who wants and holds the love."
"You and me, it's not a dream. It's a possibility. Sam, I love you too."
THE END
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