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Chapter 12
As time
passed, things only seemed to get worse for the Backstreet Boys,
namely Brian. Eating became a chore to him, and he was dropping weight
noticeably. Kevin, Howie, Nick and AJ could do nothing but stand by sadly
and just be there for him, for Brian told them repeatedly that he wanted
nothing to do with them. This fear that he had that they would ‘leave him,
too’ only grew larger.
Tia’s funeral
was held on a day that was vamped with drizzles of rain and
gray clouds. The group of people gathered around the small plot of land
huddled together under shared umbrellas. Brian stood alone, void of any
protection from the rain, droplets falling off of his hair and into his
eyes. He stood stock still, staring at the preacher, his hands dangling
limply at his pockets. Before he could hold them in, tears poured down his
cheeks and mixed with the splashes of water. His chest suddenly seemed to
small for his heart, and the tight feeling threatened to seize him. He
lifted his right hand and pressed it to his left pec tightly, biting back a
sob.
Halfway through
the service, Brian took a step backward. Kevin, standing two
feet away ‘just in case,’ looked up from the ground and to the side
quickly.
He eyed Brian discreetly.
Brian pivoted and
began walking away. Kevin shot a look to AJ, who nodded
his head after Brian. Kevin nodded back and slowly turned away after Brian.
Brian was walking
towards the lake, and Kevin followed in the rear
inconspicuously. He stopped when Brian stopped near the water, and watched
as his cousin sat on his heels and stared at the miniature circles the drops
of rain made on the water.
“Brian.” Kevin said audibly.
“Go away.”
“No.”
Kevin stood behind
Brian and crossed his arms. “Doing this isn’t going to
make her come back, y’know.” He knew he was asking for it.
“Shut up!”
Brian snarled and stood up. He faced Kevin and glared at him.
“Just shut up. Don’t talk to me.”
“Brian, “
Kevin said more gently. “You can’t shut everyone out. Eventually,
we will die, yes, but so will you!”
“Stop,”
Brian whimpered. He turned around and walked five feet. Kevin
remained where he was.
“I can’t
stop, Brian. I care about you too much to just let you ruin your
life like this.”
“My life is
nothing anyway.” Brian shoved his hands deep into his jacket
pockets. “I’m not worth anything to anyone now.”
“Don’t
say that,” Kevin whispered. “You are. You have so many people who
love you still, and who are here for you right now. You’ve been rejecting
us, though, and all we can do is sit back and wait for you to come to your
senses.”
“I don’t think you understand, Kevin,” Brian said. “I want to die.”
Kevin froze. “No, you don’t.”
“I do. You have no idea how bad this feels…”
“Yes, I do,”
he argued. “My dad, and your uncle, died. Remember? And for
awhile, it was just taken with a grain of salt, like no one was still
thinking about it. I wanted time to stop, I wanted people to stop what they
were doing so that we could grieve for him.”
“That’s different,” Brian mumbled.
“How?” Kevin cried. “How is that so different?”
He was losing his
patience and he knew it. “Brian, I love you, man. You’re
my family!”
Brian just looked at him. “I was in love with her.”
Kevin stared back at him. “I know, Bri, I know.”
“Do you KNOW how that feels?” As Brian spoke, tears graduated down his face.
“You know
I don’t,” Kevin said, his own tears making his voice unsteady.
“But I want to help.”
“She –
she sent me a tape once, but I’ve never listened to the whole thing,”
Brian continued, his voice wavering. “It’s about – like, her
DYING and
stuff, and I’ve never – just never felt that I had to deal with that,
not
now or EVER, Kevin. But she did. She died, and she’s not coming back.”
“You’ll
see her again, Brian, and she’s with you right now. She always will
be.”
“But, I can’t kiss her, I can’t – just hold her or touch her…ever again.”
“She’s
holding you,” Kevin said. “And she’s touching you. Be happy for
her,
Brian, that she’s in a happier place. Don’t grieve for her, rejoice.
She’s
with God, and that’s not something to be devastated over.”
“Will you
help me?” Brian asked in a small voice. “Will you help me be happy
again, Kevin?”
Kevin’s heart
broke for his cousin. “Yes, Brian, I will,” he said, taking
him in his arms. “And I won’t ever give up on you until you are.”
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